what we want

We all think we know what we want in this world. We all have some kind of idea of the ideal life. We want to be liked and well known, successful and well off, loved by that perfect person. We think we know what's going to make us happy. We think we know ourselves. The reality of it all, however, is that we know nothing. Because of that, we never commit to anything or anyone. We cut ourselves off at the first sign of a hiccup or challenge. We run away and avoid the reality of our situation because it's easier that way. And even if we do choose--if we commit--we are still one eye wandering at the options. We want the beautiful cut of filet mingon, but we're too busy eyeing the mediocre buffet, because choice.

Because choice.

Our choices are killing us. We think choice means something. We think opportunity is good. We think the more chances we have, the better. But, it makes everything watered-down. Never mind actually feeling satisfied, we don't even understand what satisfaction looks like, sounds like, feels like. We're one foot out the door, because outside that door is more. We don't see who's right in front of our eyes asking to be loved, because no one is asking to be loved. We long for something that we still want to believe exists. Yet, we are looking for the next thrill, the next jolt of excitement, the next instant gratification.

There are always tantalizing options.

We see the world as one big limitless opportunity. We open up pinterest and instagram and see the things we think we want. The adventurous lives of others, the places we could travel to, the people we wish we were dating. We bombard ourselves with stimuli and we wonder why we're so unsatisfied all the time. We wonder why nothing lasts and why everything feels a little hopeless. We have no idea how to see our lives for what they are, instead of what they aren't.

Commitment.

If we do find it, that person we love with everything we have, a career path we are absolutely certain about, some kind of achievement. We flaunt it. We put it on instagram, facebook, the brag board at the gym. We make it seem shiny and perfect because what we choose to share is the highlight reel. No one ever sees the blood, sweat, and tears that have pushed us to where we found our success. We don't brag about all the hard times. We don't show off the battle scars.

We want people to see the perfect results, not the imperfect process.

Then we see the other shiny accomplishments of others and we compare. We are the choice culture, the comparison generation. Always measuring up. Always evaluating our worth. Are we good enough? Never before have we had so many ways to mark what it looks like to live the best possible life. We input and overload and soon find ourselves in despair. We'll never be good enough, because what we're trying to measure up to just does not exist.

Yet that's what we think we want.

And we drive ourselves crazy with the ideas of it all.

So we break up. Give up. On to the next. Searching for the elusive "more" because what we have just isn't good enough. We move on to whatever is next in line. The next fix. The next gratification. Comparing. The inevitable creeping in of subtle dissatisfaction.

We worry about settling, all the while making ourselves suffer thinking that anything less than the shiny, happy, filtered life we've been accustomed to is settling.

What even is settling, anyways?

If it's not glamorous, it's settling. If it's not instagram worthy, it's settling.

If it's not perfect, it's settling.

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It takes a lot to realize that the "more" we want is all a lie. What we truly want is simplicity and ease. We want a life that does not need the validation of likes, comments, re-pins. We may not know that we want this yet, but we do.

I do.

I want connection, true connection. I want real people in my life. People who aren't distracted by choice. I want more than just the surface of things. I want to dive 100 feet deep into everything I do, everyone I love.

I want pure satisfaction.

I want to lay my head down at the end of my time here and know that I lived well, that I lived the crap out of my life.

So that's what I'm going to do.